My Sweet MindHeart

There was a time when we understood life better, with a pure heart and mind. We were filled with laughter, love, joy and excitement all the time. We were mischievous little children then, we did what our mind and heart told us to do. No lies, no pretences, just as true as one can be. The world was colourful, mysterious and beautiful to us, anything and everything excited us. We loved and forgave everyone and everything instantly.

But then a day came when we had to grow up, we had to enter the world of the grownups. It was not a pleasant place. There was no love, no laughter, no fun, no forgiveness, it was just monotony, rules and donts. Invisible shakles restricted our movements and thoughts. As years went by all the colours and excitement started to fade. Our hearts and minds were silenced by the loud noises in the grownup world. Unaware of what lay ahead we still kept walking into this strange world where we could no longer feel our heart or hear our mind. Some live their entire life like that unaware and one day just die. But a few fortunate souls manage to hear their heart and mind every now and then. I was one among the lucky ones. It was not easy at all, it took 29 years. And there is only one friend I can sincerely thank, my very own mindheart who refused to leave my side.

My sweet mindheart, what can I say! Thank you would do no justice. I am indebted to you for being there by my side all these years. Each time the world tried to silence you, you stood by me even more stronger and closer than before. You were the only trusted friend I had and today I know, no matter what we will walk this life together till the end.

I will never forget the tough times I gave you, Oh! these ignorants, how could I explain that it was not your fault. Nobody knows how hard you tried to protect me from my mistakes. I wish I listened hard enough. I am truly sorry I let you down. I was young, stupid, mindless and casual about everything around me, childish about my emotions, stubborn about my decisions and careless about my wellbeing. I neglected my unhappiness for 20 long years and for another 4 years tried to figure out why I could not hear you before.

Like many I had almost killed you. I had silenced you within me. I was alone, tired and lost in a strange world trying to fit in. One day I just gave up. My body went into terrible pain, I could hardly move. There were at least 10 types of pills I took every day, that was all I could hardly eat. All day long I would lie in my bed staring at the ceiling wondering what I did wrong to deserve such a life. One day I decided life is hopeless and it will be far better to just die. I took my walking stick walked all the way to the foot over bridge stood there wondering how to climb it so that I could just end it all. For the first time in that silence, after a long time I heard a voice. It was coming from my head. It was my mind whispering over and over," look around you, look around you, its spring, ain't those sky beautiful, can't  you smell the flowers, can’t you feel the cold breeze, isn't this world wonderful." As I looked around my heart pounded louder and louder and it said "just this once see the world through me like you used to as a child, just this once let me show you what you have forgotten". I was listening. The sky was indeed blue, I could hear the birds, there was tulips all around me, there were purple trees and rivers with swans. I was in the most beautiful place, I still remember telling myself this is Waltz Disney’s fairy tale Yet I had failed to see, to feel. I was so lost in grief that I had almost turned myself into a walking corpse. I had drowned myself in the noise around me, I had grown up and moved places leaving behind the things I loved most. In the rush to make ends meet I had forgotten the little things that made me happy. I traded my heart and mind in pursuit of a lie. What have I done. For the first time in years I could hear my mind and heart speak so clearly.  And I am terribly sorry it took so long to listen to you.

29 years that is how long it took to finally realise that I had silenced my mind and heart and corrupted my body and soul by living in a plastic doll house where living dead walked. I had adopted their terrible lifestyle, bad food and unhealthy relations. I had travelled a great distance into this misery and going back was not easy. I had to take one step at a time. I had to think where I should start over. It was a long struggle, 4 long years trying to mend all that was broken within me. It took a lot of courage to change my life. I discarded everything that made me sad; stressful job, unhealthy lifestyle, relationships, people I lived with, place I lived in. I moved away as far as I could. I surrounded my life with beautiful people, practised art and music and took life as it came. And today I am happy I found myself. 

Every often I come across people who have silenced their mindhearts and walk the streets of the corpse like I once did. The grown ups who have forgotten how they have loved all those little things about life.  I always wish I could shake them up and help them listen to their mindhearts. But I can't do anything. I just watch helplessly how rigid, cold, lost, sick and angry they have become. I hope someday they all find themselves as I did.